Saturday, January 7, 2012

Life Is Still Probably Good.. ☺

You know how they say, "the best things in life are free"?, I felt it this afternoon. I went for a run. I was supposed to go to abellana but there's an event there so I decided to just walk/jog/run my way home (from Fuente to Panagdait). I forgot how fun it was! I felt so free and alive. The lights in Ayala are amazing, something that I just ignore everytime I pass by on my way home from, say, shopping - coz obviously my mind's on the things I bought. The night markets were open, people shopping. Lovers HHWW.. hehe.. I've been preoccupied with a lot of things lately that i literally forgot the existence of my surroundings, even my friends. I've been so focused on moving on from what happened to my father, buying things that I thought could make me appreciate life again, partying, etc.. Coz believe it or not, after my father died, I felt so insecure and alone - I didn't wanna live. But because I didn't want my family to hurt again, I stood up, put my brave face on, and go on living. That's how I realized that love is not wanting the people you love hurt, even if it means that you have to sacrifice and pretend that everything's ok. My entire walk/jog/run reminded me of how I used to be - I LOVED LIFE! So, I will continue this fight, until I'll go back to how I used to be..slowly, but surely!

Friday, January 6, 2012

There's No Getting Over It

I can't sleep. I'm thinking about papa and the way he died. HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT AT ALL. I'm thinking about what it did to our family. I'm thinking about the future - my future neices and nephews, my future husband and kids wouldn't meet him. They will never hear his laughter, voice, and jokes.They would never know how great he was.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, just like always. Coz everytime I pray, i'm reminded that he's gone and that still, there's no justice. I know that there will be, in God's time.
I have just gone through our old pictures with him. I just got the courage to and it wasn't easy. But slowly i'm trying to accept everything. To be honest I haven't finished reading all the messages I got during his wake because it's just too depressing.
I hate the person who killed my father. I hate the person who paid him to do it. I hate that they did this to our family. I hate that because of them my mother, ate, kuya, and younger brothers kab and mamash are hurting. I hate that my niece Isla will ever hear his advices. And it sucks because WE DON'T KNOW WHY/WHO and WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I don't know if I will ever forgive them, I'm praying to God I will. Hatred is alien to me because I grow up happy, my family's happy.
I tried googling my father and I found this article:
I miss my father everyday and life honestly sucks without him - im sure my family feels the same way.. Oh God..